One of the conversations I’ve been having a lot lately is about how long it takes for success to happen, sometimes. We ask the questions, “am I sure I’m doing this right?” and “why is it not happening for me?” and “what am I doing wrong?” like success is an expected thing.
Not that we should expect to fail. That’s not what I’m saying.
But let’s just think about this for a second.
Years ago, there was a famous psychosocial experiment called The Marshmallow Experiment. I’m sure you’ve heard some version of this before. Kids were given one marshmallow and then promised that they could eat that one now, or if they waited, they would get two marshmallows. Various versions of this exist in the nonfiction arena, but the generally agreed-upon part of the story is that they had a chance to eat one now, or wait and eat two later. Then, they were observed (at that time, and over the years–this is where the stories diverge and, frankly, the outcome isn’t important to me right now, so I’m not going to look it up… I’m interested in the concept of waiting, not the outcome).
When I first heard of this experiment, like a lot of people, I immediately imagined myself in the place of those kids with a marshmallow in their hands. I used to think I’d never be able to wait. I used to think that no amount of promise would make me be okay with a lack of instant gratification. With a little experience, I realized, I might have wanted more bad enough, I would have been willing to wait.
But not everyone is that person. And I get that. It’s possible, I was that person earlier in my life (a more Activator-y kind of person who wants to catalyze right now, or a more Adaptability kind of person, who isn’t conceptualizing the future because of what’s in front of me right now), but I guess we’ll never know. As I conceptualize this experiment right now, I’m reminded of a conversation I had with a client not long ago.
We were discussing what it was like to be a high Competition person who hadn’t yet reached the top of her genre. She could see the person at the top; she even knew what kind of money the person was making. And then she said this amazing Competition thing. “I know I can’t get to where she is without a lot more years.” I could hear the certainty and thought of The Marshmallow Experiment.
How much pain was I willing to be in, while I stared at that marshmallow and waited for something I wasn’t even sure was coming. In the experiment, you’re only promised the marshmallow. It’s not in your hand. How much essential pain would I have lived with, staring at the marshmallow in my hand, wondering if the second marshmallow would ever come?
There’s a book coming out soon (if it’s not out yet) that I plan on reviewing for our nonfiction post next month. It’s about the cumulative advantage of successful people. This is something that’s unpopular to talk about, but I’m glad the author is tackling it. A lot of us need to understand the value of waiting for our success to accumulate. I am a lot of us. Me.
Because as much as I can theorize about the marshmallow, when I look at my level of impatience for things to happen now, I realize just how unsuccessful I am at waiting for success to happen. I can’t be that client who looks at the person in the #1 position and is willing to be in pain for years until she can accumulate more success to stand on–more success to make her current success more solid.
I’m excited about this book. I will review it as soon as I read it. Because I’m sensing a lot of worry and frustration that “I haven’t made it yet.” It’s not just one or two people. It’s a lot. I was promised the one ring would appear by now and it hasn’t, Becca… what’s wrong with me?
Nothing.
Nothing is wrong with you.
Sometimes, we just have to wait for that second marshmallow. Together. In pain and impatience. Still putting in the work and maybe not seeing the results we want. Still writing the books and learning from our mistakes. Still taking chances and potentially not able to reap the rewards right now. Sometimes, we just have to wait.
Are you willing to wait?
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