If we really understood how much of what goes on inside our head is garbage information… literal nonsense produced by a system trying to figure out how to live in a world too complicated for a developing human prefrontal cortex.
When the words inside created fear, we would talk back to it with the same level of security we talk back to a toddler who’s afraid of the dark. “It’ll be ok, sweetie, here’s a nightlight.”
Well, here’s a nightlight.
When you worry that you’re an imposter, you’re not. That’s your brain trying to save you from something that hasn’t happened.
When you worry you’re not going to have success, you are. Whether it’s the exact success you’re dreaming of or not, I can’t say, and who knows, it might be even better than you thought it could be, if you’ll release your fear.
When you worry that you can’t disappoint people, you can. That’s your brain trying to prevent pain it thought was life-and-death-danger when you were younger.
When you worry you can’t have conflict, you can. That’s your brain trying to keep you safe from what it thinks you won’t survive (but you will survive it).
When you worry you can’t take a chance, you can. That’s your brain trying to help you when you’re afraid. It’s trying to tell you things that will help to regulate you.
It thinks it’s being helpful.
Claire Taylor has this often-quoted phrase she says, which every time I hear, I think… if we could all just internalize what this really means, I think we might have a better life: “There are no life threatening emergencies in publishing.”
And some of you want to argue with that (because your mortgage payments come from your publishing business, maybe, so you can ignore me if it is best for you), but I want us to pause and think about what the fight-flight-freeze-fawn is for.
Predators. It exists for us to respond to immediate life-threatening situations.
So many of us have fear responses to things that are not life-threatening, and we’ve normalized that we should be listening to that fear response and taking it as seriously as we would take a tornado coming for our house.
This is why I’m talking about regulation so much and being above the line and being more in touch with your sense of security. When we don’t acknowledge that whatever happens in our publishing career, we can deal with, we let the possible future have too much control.
So here’s what I want you to do, when you start listening to a voice like imposter syndrome or fear of failure. Just pause for a second and think about something that makes you happy or something you’re grateful for. And see if you can get in touch with that. See if you can calm down your nervous system just for a second.
Don’t try to argue with the voice. Don’t try to reason with it. Don’t even disagree with it at first. Just start thinking about something that makes you happy or something that you’re grateful for. See what happens. (And as I said yesterday, if you are too far below the line, that’s not the time to get in touch with those emotions.)
But so often, we engage with the content of the thoughts instead of treating the conditions (a throw back to Crucial Conversations).
Let me try to convince myself I’m not an imposter.
Let me try to convince myself it’s going to be okay.
Let me try to convince myself, etc.
Instead of honestly just remembering, “I’m scared, let me turn on the light for a second and see if, when the fear goes away, I can have the courage to do the hard thing.”
Even if the hard thing is patience.
Even if the hard thing is bravery.
Even if the hard thing is conflict.
Even if the hard thing is facing criticism.
If we really knew what was going on inside our brains, we would treat so many of those fears like a parent treats a toddler. The fear is reasonable, but not as dangerous as we might think. Reasonable to be afraid of something. Not necessary to keep us from doing the thing.
Some of you are going to get really in your feels about this, and it’s ok. You’re allowed to get mad at me. It won’t make me change my mind, and it won’t make me change my message, but it will make me enter into your fear with you and see if there’s something we can do about it.
Presence is the antidote to fear. Someone is here with you in the dark and the storm and the rain. Someone with a sword. Someone with a plan. Someone who’s done this before and knows the way out.
You can choose to ignore this post, and I will not judge you. But if you have the courage to face your fear, I’m here in the dark too.
– Becca