I’ve learned some hard lessons recently about what it means to have people-pleasing wiring, and one of them is just how much I have conformed to the expectations of other people in order to have an easier time in the world.
It might be not-saying the thing you want to say. It might be going along with what someone else wants to keep the peace. It might be ignoring your intuition in order to have a person not dislike you. And I’m sure many of us have these tendencies, because people-pleasing wiring is pretty widespread.
But I had no idea how liberating it could be to take the lumps of people not being happy with me. When someone is unhappy with me because I’ve said the thing I want to say, I honestly thought it was the worst thing I could imagine. Previously.
I don’t think that anymore.
I had no idea just how much I was creating lives I didn’t want to live because I wasn’t being true to myself. (And some of you have personalities where you need to be true to yourself over all other things. I’m learning from you.)
Yes, it might be scary to have a relationship end because you said what you needed to say.
Yes, it might be scary to have someone dislike you because you won’t agree with them.
Yes, it might be scary to be excluded because you’re no longer conforming to the median. Definitely. Those things are scary for many of us.
But I had no idea how much I hated living in those houses I was building, when I wasn’t staying true to myself. I had no idea how miserable I was. And honestly, setting boundaries and being true to myself has also been painful. But this is pain I’d rather have.
Much more than the other pain.
I’ve spent too much of my life changing myself to fit other people’s desires. Or trying to read every single situation to make sure I’m doing it right. And now that I’m practicing doing what I need to do, saying no more, setting better boundaries, asking for what I need… the freedom is so significant. (I know I talk about Claire Taylor’s work a lot here, but it’s been really life-changing for me to feel like the things that were holding me back are manageable now. And yes, Claire, I know I did the work myself, but you provided guidance that I didn’t have before… I’ll always be grateful for that.)
I also spent some time getting to know the attachment types, recently, and that learning has had a similar impact on me. (Thank you, Jenn, for the massive insights and learning journeys and conversations here.)
Uncovering the ways life has programmed us to stay inside our protective shells… this is the work of tomorrow.
To those of you who don’t have this particular difficulty (the people pleasing), I salute you. I wish you could have the kind of compassion for this difficulty that most of us have for yours, but also, that’s your journey and not mine. Ultimately, I know I’m doing my best work by separating out what’s mine to do and what isn’t. That’s not mine to do.
All I can do is show up as myself. Continuing to (as Claire puts it) self-abandon by not showing up as myself is building me a house I don’t want to live in.
And this can apply to more than just personal relationships… this can apply to our author careers and our professions as well. I need to build the house I want to live in, even if that building is painful. It’s so much better on the other side.
My dear people-pleasing friends, I feel you. I see you. I wish you all warm, lovey hugs today.
– Becca