When I go to 11 about something, do I know how to get what I need and want?
This is not to say we shouldn’t go to 11. This is to say, when we do, how do we take best advantage of that 11-feeling. Many of us want to take action right then, when we’re feeling the 11-feeling, because we think fixing the thing outside (making my spouse do the dishes they promised to do, making that colleague see they’re wrong, shaming someone for not agreeing with me, etc.) will fix the feeling inside.
Spoiler alert: It won’t. Trying to fix the outside, when I’m at 11/10 emotionally is not actually going to fix the outside.
Let me explain.
In those moments, we are like a toddler who wants a cookie. We’re yelling about the cookie. We need the cookie. If mom will just give me a cookie, everything will be ok. Why can’t I have the cookie??
But we don’t actually need the cookie. We need a hug to help us learn to be patient for after supper. Or we need to learn our hunger (when it’s safe hunger) is ok not to listen to. We need a skill and/or a hit of regulation, in those moments.
So. We. Can. Fix. The. Outside.
Because maybe, when we’re not at 11, we realize, we’ve checked in with our body and we do actually think it’s a hunger that would be satisfied by a quick sweet treat. And we don’t need to learn to say no to the hunger.
But then we want to do that kind of reasoning when we’re not at 11/10 anymore. It is not going to help to try to fix the situation outside when we’re 11/10 inside.
How do we know we’re 11/10? Look for the evidence that you’re mad. (Desire to shame people, desire to force them to see you’re right, desire to name call.) Or the evidence that you’re hurt. (No one is empathizing with me and I have to make them empathize. No one is acting correctly and they don’t see how it’s hurting them or me or ____.) Or the evidence that you’re afraid. (I can’t deal with this anymore and I’m done with you. But what happens if… fill in the blank.)
This isn’t to say you might not still decide to have that conversation or eat that cookie when you’re not feeling 11/10 on the emotional scale. Or you might not decide to still ask for the thing you want to ask for.
But let’s get into a fit state first. Let’s stop needing the cookie first. Give ourselves the hug first. Then we can get into a fit state for fixing the situation while being able to feel both positive and negative emotions at the same time.
So many of us think we’re not at 11 because we feel very logical or very smug or very correct or very secure in our 11/10 feeling. But when that feeling wears off, we’re not always proud of how we acted or how we handled ourselves (or when it wears off and we think about the situation, we immediately go to 11/10 emotionally about it again… that says it’s not resolved). If we change the outside, then it will feel resolved.
But many of us are at 11/10 (in anger, sadness, fear, or guilt) and we’re not realizing it in the moment. All I want is for us to recognize it in the moment, not feel bad about it (it’s reasonable that we would go to 11/10, and sometimes, 11/10 is a signal that we do need to give attention to the thing… but just wait until the 11/10 passes to decide how to take action).
And then we can do the work to heal over those tender points if we need that, or learn how to soothe that inner toddler, or learn how to change our thinking around expectations, or learn how to meet our needs effectively.
(And that need-meeting might look like, “I’m going to end this relationship” or “I’m going to disconnect” or “I’m going to ask for someone to empathize with me” or “I’m going to take action on something.” But let’s just not do it when we’re feeling 11/10.)
Whenever (WHENEVER) we go to 11 emotionally, there’s a fear or an unmet need. We think it’s going to help us to fix the outside world (to get the cookie), but really, we need to learn the skills of self-regulation. <3
I know, I know. But we want the cookie.
And we can have the cookie after supper. But we have to make it to supper. So we need to learn how to meet whatever need, or acquire whatever skill we should have, for in that moment.
So many of our interpersonal, relational, and emotional problems would be solved if everyone could learn how to emotionally regulate first. How to experience compassion first. How to get into self-control first.
We would be heard so much more often. We would be connected so much more often. We would feel understood so much more often. We would see action so much more often.
#sigh
We’ll do what we can. And sometimes regulation looks like closing the browser. So I’m going to do that now. <3
– Becca
