With burnout in peak form lately, the phrase “no is a complete sentence” has been getting tossed around a lot, and I just want to add the perspective, as someone who coaches success outcomes obsessively, that for many of us, it is not.
There are too many skills before the “no” that we don’t have yet.
The good news is, those skills are attainable, but the bad news is, we have to do the work to get there. You’re not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly be able to say no, if you’ve struggled saying no your whole life.
There might be personality reasons why “no” feels icky. You might have Positivity or Learner or Ideation that has latched onto “no” as a limiter, and you don’t like limiters. So you might be contending with some very beneficial skills in that arena.
There might be “programming” reasons why “no” feels bad. If you were a conditioned parent pleaser, you might equate “no” with “death” subconsciously and not know it. (If that’s the case, nervous system work is the skill you need first. And then maybe “How to Do The Work” or a similar therapeutic program.
There might be fear-based reasons (like FOMO) why you don’t like no. And in this case, you’ll have to hit rock bottom in order to actually change. You can learn things from books and workshops and teachers, and you might even be able to parrot them, but until you learn the lesson for yourself that giving into FOMO is going to k–l you, you won’t be able to say no to it. You’ll be forever convinced it’s the opposite.
As someone trapped in this learning cycle right now, I can tell you, it’s taken me a full year of work to get to a place where I can talk about what’s really going on inside when I have to say no. I’m not going to do it here, because that’s too much vulnerability for Facebook, but I can tell you, it’s not settling.
But if you’ve ever seen “no is a complete sentence” and been tempted to try to shame yourself into saying no, only to be faced with the situation and have to say yes because of (1), (2), or (3) above, then I have good news.
This is fixable, but it’s going to take skill acquisition. Start with the nervous system work first. Learn about what Sarah Baldwin calls the Special Ops Team in your brain. (She has several podcast appearances now where she talks about this thing. I’ll always be grateful to the ‘gram for putting her in front of my eyeballs. Yes, I just said I was thankful for social media… someone circle the calendar.)
If you’re already a pretty good self-regulator, then start with the personality work next.
FOMO, honestly… I’ve been plugging 4000 Weeks for long enough, if you haven’t read it and faced the fact that you’re already missing out on basically everything in the world, then I can’t help you there. The only thing that will fix FOMO that I’ve actually seen work so far (in, again, nearly two decades of doing this) is rock bottom. FOMO is an addiction.
The good news is, the work works. I’m probably one thousand times better at saying no today than I used to. And better at staying in touch with what I actually need (sometimes, I need myself to stand up for me, as a friend recently reminded me).
But if you’ve ever watched Inside Out, there’s a little blue-haired girl inside trying to stand up for you and say no. She knows you need it.
Let her voice be strong. And stronger. <3
– Becca