We had a great question in the SFW FB group today that I answered and I wanted to expand just a little on it as we are heading into the fall, where a lot of us will have a heavier writing schedule after kids go back to school.
The question was about struggling with critique. So many of us have this. That initial self-flagellation that happens when someone points out a criticism of the work. With the original poster (OP), she’d noticed that the initial response was very extreme, but then a couple of hours later, she was fine and could look at the comments objectively. (That’s a really quick recovery time, by the way… mine used to last days!) The OP asked if there was a way to not have that initial defensiveness and here was my response. (See post-response for more thoughts, as well.)
This is super, super normal, first of all, so you’re in good company here. More likely than not, it’s a wiring thing (times when it wasn’t ok for there to be mistakes have hard-coded into your brain that it’s not ok to have mistakes, so your brain is trying to self-protect). It should get better over time, as you show that part of your brain it’s safe to get criticism, and you can, in fact, do this. But it’s an initial biological response based on past wiring. Here’s what I would do:
1. Never open the critiques when you’re already low. Make sure you’re “above the line” (meaning you could take a quick hit and not spiral down into feelings that won’t go away) before you open.
2. Always-always-always prepare yourself for this. You know it’s coming. It’s like a parent who knows their kid doesn’t like the dentist. “It’ll be ok. It’s going to hurt for a second and you’re going to think you can’t do this, but I promise you, you can do it.” (Using the parental voice here is really important because there’s a part of you that knows you really are going to be okay, and you need to try to reach the part of you that thinks you’re not.) In fact, I would literally sit there with the email, before you click it, and say those things out loud to yourself. The part of you that’s scared needs to hear the part that’s not scared being not-scared.
3. Be gentle at first. It’s very likely the wiring was there for a good reason when it was formed. It’s there to protect you. It’s not a bad or stupid part of yourself. It’s very smart. When it was formed, it was trying to help you cope with something (feelings, responses, rejection, etc.) *very* big. So, gentleness with that wiring is important, as well. It’s just doing what it knows to do. It’s trying to help. All we want to do is gradually show it, “you’re not needed anymore, but thank you for your service.”
—-
When I wrote Dear Writer, You’re Doing It Wrong, this internal work was a big part of that. And if this is resonating with you, but you haven’t read that book yet, I highly recommend it. It’s important that we understand, not all our thoughts are “us.” Not everything that wanders through my brain is something that I want or intend to be there. Some of what happens internally is the result of past wiring that’s no longer helpful. And if we don’t do some “spring cleaning” once in a while with that unhelpful wiring, we’re going to keep building more and more on top of it.
And this gets back around to the most common theme from my writing lately which is: we have to do the work. We can’t just think something one time and then expect to be different. The wiring that’s there has been laid down by hundreds and thousands of choices over the entirety of our lives. Imagine it as a granite slab. Is it move-able? Yeah. But not by one punch. It’s going to take hammering and hammering at that stuff to get it to dissolve into dust.
Some of us have giant granite slabs that are causing us a lot of pain. And some of us have like a granite countertop. But all of us have some kind of work that needs to get done internally in order to become the best versions of ourselves. (Can you hear the Developer? lol. Oh, Becca.) Whatever we have in there, though, it’s still workable. It just takes time.
This is part of why I encourage people to be part of this ongoing community. We don’t sit on laurels around here. We dig in, every day, and do the work. And this post is a great reminder of why that work is so important.
Many of us had a series of big “a-ha” moments that got us into this work in the first place (many of those, thanks to Strengths), and now we’re settling into the development. And that’s the part that lasts the rest of our lives. It’s still better-faster in the areas where we have Strength, but it’s always going to be work.
I’m happy to say, I don’t think we attract people who just don’t want to do the work, so I’m pleased that I think this post will fall on fallow fields. I hope it, like everything we do, continues to take root and grow into fruit!
<3 Becca <3
To read more posts, check out Patreon