If you’re like me, and you get stressed out by uncertainty, it’s very likely there’s a skill missing in your certainty-seeking skill chain, and I want to talk about what a couple of those skill fixes might be and how to access them.
Uncertainty is the most stressful state of being in my life. And I know I’m not alone here. Uncertainty about the future or the past, about someone’s behavior or intentions, about the expectations I need to fulfill or not, about what might or might not happen, what I should or should not do.
When uncertainty is coming from a certainty-seeking Strength (like Intellection, Analytical, Strategic, Input, Futuristic, Learner, Empathy, Developer, Woo, Significance, Deliberative, Restorative, just to make a cursory list), and there’s a certainty “process” you can finish, you just need to let the process finish.
An/Inp/Fut/Lea/Del might need more data.
Emp/Dev/Int/Rel might need more alone time.
Strat/Woo/Sig/Com might need to talk.
Fut/Strat/Ide/Conn might need perspective.
But sometimes there’s a natural certainty-seeking process that’s going on in your brain that just hasn’t happened yet. And the next step is getting the Strength what it needs to finish the process.
I know I make that sound easy, but for those of us caught in the Intellection overwhelm spiral regularly, we know… it’s not easy just because it’s simple. But trusting that the “simple” part of the process can bring certainty is important, even if it isn’t easy.
Another skill that’s often missing is answering-rhetorical-questions. If you ask a what-if, and you don’t answer with a plan, and you start spiraling, then it’s time to answer the question with a plan. What happens if X happens… the answer is, we’re ready for it. Here’s what we will do.
But the biggest missing skill I see in this chain is Translation. And let me tell you, it’s not a skill we can access in our feeling brain, so if you’re in the feels, do the work to help the feels get resolved, and then tackle the Translation skill. Here’s what that looks like.
What would this behavior mean if I did it? And what does it mean when they do it?
If I’m a person who never says no to anyone, then I’m likely to assume that “no” from someone else means what my “no” means.
To a person who never says no, when you finally get to a place where you have to say no, it probably means you are “just done.” Like to a point of walking away from a situation.
But to someone who can say no regularly, their no means something different. In fact, there are probably a hundred different things “no” can mean, and none of them are remotely what my “no” would mean.
Humans tend to find certainty in their assumptions about what’s going to happen or on what events or behaviors mean. But that certainty we land on (if someone says “no” to me, they hate me or there’s something wrong with me asking for help) isn’t the truth. When we act on it as though it’s the truth, we create a false or fantasy reality.
Instead of making this behavioral only, let’s extrapolate all the way to what events mean or what larger patterns mean. “The publishing industry is changing and I don’t like it” goes quickly into “everything is going downhill and there’s no hope.” Which if you have trauma associated with uncertainty, makes sense that you would go there.
Also, anytime we say “there is no hope,” please hear me here, and hear my compassion for this feeling… ANYTIME we say “there is no hope,” we have created a false or fantasy reality. That is a now-perspective only. (Just a tiny tweak to the “not yet,” instead of the “never.”)
Sometimes, the “hope” is that we end the relationship.
Sometimes, the “hope” is that we get a part-time job so we can come back to full-time writing in two years.
Sometimes, the “hope” is that everything will change again.
Sometimes, the “hope” is that everything remains largely predictable / the same.
Sometimes, the “hope” is that nothing lasts forever.
Sometimes, the “hope” is a faith perspective.
Sometimes, the “hope” is that you will have control again in the future.
Sometimes, the “hope” is a new relationship.
Sometimes, the “hope” is a respawn of the career.
Sometimes, the “hope” is that you can persevere because you have persevered in the past.
Sometimes, the “hope” is you know you can work hard.
Too often, we spiral into a spot where we tell ourselves stories about what events or behaviors mean because we’re trying to fix a problem internally, but those stories aren’t helping. They might be based on old tapes we need to write over. They might be based on a need to self-protect. But if they are causing you to lose hope, let me tell you, and again, please hear my compassion here… I get in this place all the time (especially catastrophizing), which is why I’m loud about it… that is not the reality.
When we have an intact skill chain here, we can remember not to make assumptions about why things happen or why people do things (especially the more certainty we need). But if we don’t have a skill chain that gets us easily from “they said no” to “I’m ok and they’re ok and I can still ask for help again,” then there’s some work that needs to be done to get me to that place.
Translation can be a skill-gap fix here.
Emotional regulation can be a skill-gap fix here.
Trauma-informed IFS therapy can be a skill-gap fix here.
We’re going to talk more about skill chains (not this one, but others) at the con in May. But I wanted to start this conversation because I’m hearing a lot of frustration about the future of publishing, and I think we need to remember that the hope in the future of publishing is not in the industry itself.
It’s in my ability to keep being a writer/author/publisher no matter what happens in the publishing industry. It’s in my ability to produce resilience, or my ability to stay connected or have what I want in any number of different ways. (i.e. “what I want” doesn’t have to look the way we think it should look in order to meet our core needs, and you can listen to Claire Taylor talk more if you want to hear more about this, because resilience is the key to sustainability.) I mean, my hope is not in me, it’s in something bigger than me. But not everyone resonates with that hope. So whatever hope you have, stay connected to it. We’re going to need it.
So tell me… what makes you feel hopeful today?
I hope everyone is having a good week so far. Keep your heads up, my friends.
– Becca
