In every situation, there is an optimal response–a “best” option, one might say. Like a lock and a key. One click, and it is… ahhhh… right.
Some of us (might be Strategic, might be Achiever, might be… trauma…) are hard-wired to keep seeking until we find that best. That click.
When it is working for us, that best-seeking mechanism is a superpower, helping us have stamina to hold out for the right answer, or allowing us the creativity to seek the win-win situation.
But when it works against us, it can steal all our joy. That same best-seeking mechanism can keep us from taking action for fear of the not-best option happening.
This isn’t theoretical for me, either. It’s very real right now. My best-seeking mechanism is looking at two paths, and Future Becca is living two very separate lives. With Futuristic, I can see them very specifically, and how they’re different, almost like they are actually two separate people I know.
I keep watching their separate lives, looking for the answer about which one of them I really want to be. The “best-seeking” mechanism is constantly looking for that alignment, and my Strategic believes that when I feel the “best” present itself, I will know which one is right.
But after talking to a friend last night, I’m starting to QTP the best-seeking. I do this with other people all the time when they get caught in Strategic dilemmas in coaching. “Is it possible that both of these options could actually be good options?” Like, one isn’t more right than the other? They could both be right?
That trips up my Strategic, which always wants there to be one clear option. And sometimes, I will trip myself up, trying to make choices between those two futures, like my life depends on it.
I have learned, this last year, that whenever I’m trying to decide something like my life depends on it, though, that’s a trauma response. My need to be right, or to get it right, or to make the right decision… it comes from Strategic, sure, the best-seeker, but I have a trauma response that latches right on to that trait and uses it.
This is not self-sabotage (and it bothers me when people use that word like somehow you don’t want yourself to succeed). No, when a part of you is throwing up a road block, it’s a survival mechanism. There’s a part of you that thinks it’s going to die if you don’t get this answer right. Not a conscious part (because your logical brain knows, this isn’t a survival situation).
But when we need to disconnect that response in order to produce forward motion, it’s likely going to take work. I’ve been learning to use the parental voice on myself, to remind myself that I’m ok and I’m going to be ok.
I’ve also been doing a lot of box breathing lately. Not in response to anything. Just as a regular practice. It’s amazing how much better I feel after four sets of box breathing. (In four, hold four, out four, hold four.)
One of my friends commented recently that I’ve been living in my upper limit lately, and I can feel it. I’m tired. But this upper limit has produced a lot of clarity for me, and it’s helped me learn more about my Strengths. I can see them functioning in ways I never even dreamed they could.
But that upper limit comes with a really fast survival-response. It doesn’t take much to throw me into fight-or-flight lately, and I’m doing a lot of work to stay regulated. It’s worthwhile work, but it means I need to be more aware than normal about how my best-seeking mechanism is working.
That lock-in-key desire that Strategic has can be used for good or evil. It can be beneficial when I’m in my logic brain, and I’m working with all my faculties.
But when I’m not in my logic brain, Strategic can get co-opted by old patterns into danger-zone territory so quickly, I can’t control it. I’ve been better at picking these up in the last year, but it’s still quite a bit of work for me.
Strategic can turn almost any conundrum into life or death stakes very quickly, and we don’t even see it happen. But we see the effects of it. We see the indecision, the locked-up feeling, the anxiety, the distraction and disassociating, the madly researching so I can fix this problem. In my case, the future-solving. (Which creates a need to solve tomorrow’s problems today.)
Again, the problem really is, when I’m in my logic brain, this is working for me. Solving tomorrow’s problems works for me when I’m not in survival mode. But once fear becomes present, I resort to old patterns. (And once again, I’m going to suggest the #324 episode of Mark Groves’ podcast where he interviews Sarah Baldwin, for those of you who are reading this and thinking, “I do the same thing.”) I don’t always recognize that’s what’s happening. Sometimes, when I’m in survival-mode, all I feel is urgency.
And I’ve felt this urgency lately. Trying to choose between Lake Becca and Lab Becca (the two futures I was referencing earlier). And what I’m trying to do, when I recognize that urgency coming in, is be really gentle with myself, because I know there’s a part of me that wants to co-opt Strategic into shutting down future pathways that aren’t “best.”
The thing is… both Lake Becca and Lab Becca are good versions of me. One of them lives on a lake and has two dogs and writes novels in relative silence and peace. She looks at the cold, purple sunrise in the winter and the warm orange sunrise in the summer, and she has all the quiet she needs.
The other runs a behavioral science lab and solves the world’s problems. She takes regular vacations, with her friends, and meets all her own needs. She is present and in touch and satisfied, but she’s not on the lake.
In the moments where my Strategic gets ahold of this, and I feel the urgency, I’m trying to let that be the signal to do some box breathing, and pull out my journal, and be really present with myself. My logic brain knows these versions are both good versions, and that a lot of the future is out of my control. My logic brain knows the urgency is a signal that part of me is scared.
And I know some of you are reading this and thinking, “I don’t do that,” even if you have Strategic, and if that’s the case, and your skill chain for “best-seeking” is more intact than mine is right now, that’s awesome. Then I would start looking for it in your little decisions. In whether or not that cover works. In whether or not you should start a new pen name. In whether to level up your knowledge of advertising.
This is part of the work with a Strength like Strategic. Finding the places where the skill chain could be stronger or better, and doing the work to get it there.
For now, if all you can do is read this and feel solidarity, do a box breath with me. Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for four, and hold for four. Look for the urgency and have a plan for how you’re going to solve it. (I literally have a four-step plan, and every time I feel the urgency set in, I go to step one.)
We’ll talk more about this in the future, but because I felt myself in this dilemma last night, and the urgency set in, and I enacted my urgency action plan, I wanted to talk about it today. I know a lot of us get caught in this place and we don’t know what to do when Strategic is best-seeking on us.
Here’s hoping this will help you if it does. I know there’s a high saturation of Strategic in the author community, so I’m hoping this will help you.
Now, I’ve gotta go drink coffee and look at the sunrise. My reminder for today is that I can have some of Lake Becca’s life, even when I’m not living all of it.
Love you guys. Hope you have a peaceful day.
– Becca