Having a convo about auto-calculating ROI recently, when I pointed out that not everyone automatically thinks of everything they do as an investment, or of actions and time having automatic worth that we’re getting a return on. The three of them all stared at me like I’d sprouted another head.
“How can people not calculate ROI on everything they do? They’re spending their time or money… how are they not thinking about what they’re getting back out of that?”
But of course, if you know me, you know there’s a Strengths answer here. When you have a really dominant Strength, you will always find yourself saying some version of the following:
“But… how can they not???”
How can they not calculate the ROI of every dollar or minute?
How can they not just learn how to do the thing?
How can they not want the best option out of all possible options?
How can they not feel what that person is feeling?
How can they not want to get as much done in the day as possible?
How can they not believe people can change?
How can they not want to win?
How can they not want to spend more time with their closest friends?
How can they not prioritize or goal-set?
How can they not think about the future?
How can they not trust their own intuition?
How can they not get frustrated when the rules change for certain people?
How can they not just go with the flow?
How can they not see where the past is leading us?
How can they not live out their convictions?
How can they not be impatient when we’re not moving?
How can they not come up with a thousand options?
How can they not assess the risk of every action?
How can they not give up their own preference to gain consensus?
How can they not care about their impact on other people?
How can they not care whether people are being left out?
How can they not worry if people like them?
How can they not just do the thing they need to do?
How can they not see the upside here?
How can they not Google it?
How can they not do what they say they will do?
How can they not see how every action affects every person on earth?
How can they not understand that person doesn’t work that way?
How can they not see they need to fix that broken thing?
How can they not be frustrated with this chaos?
How can they not rise to the challenge when flexibility is required?
How can they not see that answer could be more precise?
How can they not see that message isn’t landing?
How can they not need time to think?
(If you’ll notice… there are 34 statements here… that was not accidental…)
The answer, 100% of the time, is: they do not have that Strength, or that Strength of theirs has been formed by trauma response, keeping them from doing/seeing what you do/see.
Our most dominant instincts are our highest Strengths, and the way humanity works is… we are all extremely different in our instincts and those instincts matter more than anything when it comes to how we work together, how we relate, and how we are excellent.
More than anything else. More than human biology. More than whatever book you’ve read about “what everyone does”. More than whatever TikTok you watched about trauma responses. More than any experiment that supposedly “applies to everyone” or whatever.
I do find it’s important to answer these “how can they not” questions with some kind of certainty, because the certainty is the action point. Once you know exactly what the problem is, you know exactly what the action point can be. It’s like diagnostics.
If I see what the problem is (they don’t have this capacity I have), then I know what the fix is. (Either I’m going to do something to bridge that gap for them, or I’m going to leave them alone about it and stop expecting them to be different.) Expecting people to be different from what they are, unless they have expressed a desire to change, is an unrealistic expectation, and it makes us constantly frustrated with a situation we can’t change. So the situation doesn’t get any better, but we keep getting frustrated with it.
And this applies to literally anything you think is common sense, anything you think “everyone” does, and everything that seems easy to you.
Everything.
I honestly believe a lot of us would have a lot more peace if we could just get our heads around the fact that expecting people to be like us is a recipe for stress. Or spending any time wondering why people aren’t doing what we think they should do, or why they’re not reacting the way we should.
The answer often is, “Because they can’t.” And it’s okay for people to not be able to do things. Not everyone is the same. And that’s a good thing.
K, I’m going to stop now, because I could clearly go on about this forever. But… if you could just stop for a second today and consider… how are you holding expectations of people that are causing you stress? And can it offer you any relief to know that it’s okay they’re not like this… it doesn’t stress them out to be this way? And what would change about your behavior (besides, y’know, having less stress) if you expected people be who they are instead?
Just a thought for a Tuesday…
Love y’all.
– Becca