I had to do some processing aloud about Relator and some of the things I’ve been seeing in coaching lately with Relators. This is not meant to be prescriptive about Relators, but because I’ve been coaching several different people with Relator wounds lately, I just wanted to make this discourse public for a second. If it gets out of control, I’ll take it down because this is some intensely personal stuff and I want this page purpose to be honored. (It’s author success.)
It’s also meant for Relators, so if you’re not a Relator, please do keep scrolling.
But it’s important to know that there is no such thing as an “unrelated” issue in this industry. When Relators say, “yeah, I’m getting divorced, but this shouldn’t impact my productivity,” I die a little inside because, of course it should. To be fair, I don’t love it that relationship stuff impacts my productivity either, but the other option for me is being dead from the neck down, so… I’ll take it. (Compartmentalization doesn’t work for everyone, and being more compartmentalized is not what everyone needs.)
And if you’re able to compartmentalize, I’m so glad that’s the case because compartmentalization itself isn’t evil. It’s just not good for everyone. (For some of us, compartmentalization is disintegrating. For some, it’s integrating. There is not righteousness attached to being able to compartmentalize, or not. It’s just a thing some people do and some people don’t do.)
So. All that to say, if you’re a Relator, I want you to be able to read this. As always, these opinions are my own, and I am not the be all and end all of anyone’s information. So take and leave what’s helpful.
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Relator friends, this is for you. (If you don’t have Relator, please keep scrolling. )
We’ve been having a conversation in the BFANation recently about how high Relator manifests into action, and we came across something I need to share with the whole community who cares about Strengths development here.
How you process every single thing in your life (how you take action, how you forgive, how you process, how you act) changes based on what patterns light up in your brain. (Your Strengths.) Your instincts change your responses.
If any of you are high in Relator, and you are talking about the concept of “forgiveness,” you are going to process forgiveness differently from other people.
Relator is all about trust barriers. Trust is the currency of Relators. When you are forming new relationships with people, you’re deciding how much access they get to you based on their passing of certain trust tests. Fail the wrong test, and you progress no further into the castle.
And that castle is worth being inside.
But the concept of forgiveness, for Relators, is all about “can I trust you not to behave like this again?” So forgiveness differentiates between, “not happy you did this, but you’re still allowed to hurt me in the future because I trust you to learn from this experience” and “I’m not going to hold you accountable for your actions, but you don’t get to hurt me anymore.”
The “you don’t get to hurt me anymore” part is the door slam. They don’t get further access, and sometimes, they get kicked all the way out of all circles. One of my best friends calls this “hitting the trap door” because it’s like they fall into oblivion, never to be heard from again.
Of course, like all things, what’s around the Relator matters, and what your core motivations are (like Claire’s Enneagram work) matters, so not all Relators will react exactly the same here. But the core concept is going to be the same.
Can I trust you?
That is the question. And when people prove to you that you can’t trust them, it is not a bad thing to not allow them further access.
What this does not mean: it does not mean that Relators are internally making pronouncements about who is and who is not a good person. That’s **NOT** what this is about. In fact, a lot of Relators will be really sad that the other person is hurt by the door slam, but also know that the friendship, working relationship, marriage, partnership, romantic partnership, or association is not beneficial for *them* and it has nothing to do with whether or not the person is a good person.
What this DOES mean: it is ok for Relators to seem exclusive sometimes. They are not making pronouncements about whether or not the individual people are worthwhile or good or worthy. It’s all about the fit with that particular relationship. Essentially, it’s like saying, “we shouldn’t be dating each other, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t worth dating.” In fact, it’s more like saying, “you are important enough to the world that you are worth someone else dating,” but it can often feel like the exclusion is saying, “you are not worth dating” when that’s not the message at all.
One of my closest Relator friends put it this way once: “Everyone is a perfect friend for a few people, and then a good friend for a few more, and then a poor friend to everyone else. I’d rather free people up to find the perfect friends they could have than make them stay with me being a poor friend to them.”
And that is the essence of Relator.
Relators want to be great friends for the people that will be great friends to them. And I’ve seen some amazing Relator relationship work in the last few days with some of my clients who have major Relator wounds going on right now. Just know, you are not alone in that, and we are all here to support each other.
I love this author community so much, and I’m so glad to have Relators as a part of this place. The world needs more of you.
Becca