I was in the SeaTac airport recently, when I witnessed a woman have an extremely public meltdown over her luggage not showing up after a flight. She ran around the baggage carousel, screaming profanity at the top of her lungs. Anyone who came near her would get screamed at.
This went on for almost an hour. Every time a flight’s luggage would unload, she would walk up to the carousel, yelling at no one in particular, and then when her bags weren’t there, she would start in again.
She happened to be sitting next to me in the waiting area—not because I chose to, but because everyone between us kept getting up and leaving as soon as she would come back to her chair.
What everyone else saw when they looked at her was an angry, out of control woman (frankly, I was a little shocked no one called security at any point, because she even got violent a few times, throwing bags and kicking the carousel).
But if you understand emotion cycles, you know that anger is supposed to be productive. When we feel anger, it’s supposed to lead us through the cycle to sadness, and then to fear, and then to guilt, so we can resolve the situation. This woman, though, could not resolve the situation.
Yes, she was screaming at everyone, but the real problem was, she was not okay. Her arm was in a cast, she hadn’t had a cigarette all day (and as she eventually said, she usually smokes a pack a day), her daughter had a very important band concert to get to, and some of their luggage was the daughter’s instrument.
Plus… *gestures around at the whole world*… many of us are not okay right now. This woman was very much not okay, on any level.
Her biological needs were screaming at her. (Hunger, headache, arm hurting, nicotine withdrawal.)
Her relational needs were screaming at her. (Daughter’s performance, plus her daughter was having a bit of a meltdown at the same time.)
Everyone was abandoning her because of her lashing out. No one would listen to her. And I could see her slipping farther and farther into desperation, but she didn’t know what was going on. She was just reacting to her biology.
The thing she didn’t understand about herself was… she wasn’t actually angry on this level about the luggage. She just wasn’t okay. She was feeling fear and anger and sadness, and she couldn’t make them produce the thing they were supposed to produce because too many factors were overwhelming her.
She was in all systems meltdown (and I could feel her desperation, which was why I went looking for a cigarette for her… at least try to fix the problem we know we can fix in the moment), and her desperation made her act in a way that ensured she wouldn’t get what she needed. Instead, she got isolated and ignored, and that disconnection only produced being “not okay” on a greater level than she had previously been.
What I wanted to do, in that moment, was get her some food and water and find her a place to lie down. She needed a nap and a snack and she needed someone to tell her everything was going to be okay. Because she could *not* reach that moment on her own. Her emotions kept arresting out, and she couldn’t get there.
Why do I tell you this story? Because a lot of us are not okay. And we’re focusing on external things that are either making us angry or afraid, and people around us are doing the equivalent of “just calm down” or they are feeding our desperation, and it’s not getting better.
We’re going to social media to try to soothe something inside, but it’s only making things worse. Because we’re not addressing the basic, “am I okay” stuff, or because we think we’re okay, or because we’re so numb to our feelings, we don’t genuinely know if we’re okay or not.
I’m not going to say, “have a nap and a snack” like that will fix everything, but sometimes I just want us to notice when we’re getting into the spirals of thinking or behaving that are producing nothing but arrested emotional cycles for us.
On the BFA platform, we spent a lot of time in February and March, going through something called the positive emotion cycle. It’s a tool that helps us to get better at self-producing security in the moment. (It’s not for the airport meltdown moments, it’s for the other moments. The times when we can prevent the slippery slope down into fight/flight/freeze.
So I’m going to do one this morning. And if you want to do one with me, great. If not, great. Whatever you’re here for this morning.
The goal of the positive emotion cycle is to get from happiness to security. About anything. I start with something I’m happy about (and it has to be something I’m really, genuinely happy about), and then the goal is to feel an actual feeling of security about something in my body.
I feel happy that it’s early morning.
I feel happy that I’m talking to my friends on Facebook.
I feel grateful that I have people to reach for when I need help.
I feel grateful that so many people show care for each other.
I feel hopeful that showing care makes a difference.
I feel hopeful that this day will be a good day.
I feel secure that I can connect with people on this platform.
I feel secure that the woman in this story is okay now.
I feel secure that I’m going to be okay too.
Not everyone goes through this cycle in the same way. For some of us, all we need to do is see some pretty flowers, and we immediately go through the skill chain of these emotions without needing to be aware of them. But I need to be aware of them.
And this is my typical caveat, as always, that some of us are not in a place where we can even get in touch with our positive emotions to do this cycle. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just a thing sometimes. But I want you to consider, if this isn’t working for you, that it might not be the time for this tool to work, and that’s okay. You’ll also be okay.
Our biological processes are almost always in charge. Most of the time, what we really need when we’re feeling Big Emotions, is to get through the process of feeling them, and then be okay again. (Again, not for everyone, and not in every state.)
Weirdly, what this woman needed was not her luggage. Getting the luggage wasn’t going to make her okay. She would still have been angry, even after the bags arrived, because she still wasn’t okay. Her body hadn’t settled itself down. She really needed to have her basic needs met, and she needed to have some relief of her pain, and she needed someone to show her a bit of compassion and validation for her anger.
Yes, it’s reasonable to be angry when an airline loses your bag.
Yes, it’s reasonable to be frustrated when your shoulder hurts.
Yes, it’s reasonable to be afraid when your schedule starts to fall apart.
Yes, it’s reasonable to be angry when you’re tired and hungry.
And the airport moment might not be the moment to look at some pretty flowers or get a hug from a friend. But either way, we often just need to know that we’re okay. Try that experiment today.
When you start to get scared about what might happen in the future, try putting your hand on your heart and reminding yourself that no matter what happens, you’re going to be able to get through it. You’re good at handling hard situations, maybe. You’re capable. Or hear me saying it to you.
When you get frustrated with how other people are responding about something, remember that almost everyone is responding to stress right now. Nearly everyone has some level of low key desperation going on under the surface, and we all know we’re not okay on a biological level, even if we don’t know it on a logical level.
We really need to reconnect with the parts of ourselves that remind us we’re going to be okay, and that we have what it takes to get through whatever we have to get through. We may need help deconstructing the stakes sometimes, and recognizing when we’re letting the biological conditions rule our responses to things.
I can’t give you a be-all and end-all solution for everyone, but I do know that when my friends arrived on their flights into SeaTac, the woman had calmed down. Her bags still hadn’t arrived, but the terror and frustration she was feeling when she threw bags and kicked the carousel were both gone. So often, we need to know we’re okay so we can let the adrenaline subside, and that will take time. My hope is that we don’t do any damage to anyone in the meantime, while we’re getting our frustrations and fears soothed.
I’m also not providing justification for anyone hurting other people while they’re in fight or flight. I still would rather that didn’t happen. But I also know that if we learn how to respond to our own biological needs better, we can fix the only person in this situation who is our responsibility to fix.
Ourselves.
It’s my own job to watch my responses, and see when I’m going into fight or flight mode. It’s my own job to keep in touch with my security and to cycle through my own emotions as healthily as I can. It’s not my job to fix anyone other than me.
I know these are deep thoughts for 6am on a Wednesday, but this is what I woke up thinking about. Deeply, from my heart, writers and friends, I just want us all to feel more secure. It will produce a more sane and stable world for all of us.
So. On that note. What’s making you happy this morning, my friend? Tell me one thing that is making you happy this morning.
Becca