Because of what I do for a living, a lot of people come to me to “maximize” themselves (no surprise, given the potential of Strengths as a maximization tool), and sometimes, the work is quick and easy. And that’s often when there’s the most interest in it.
But if I am honest, the most beneficial leaps forward in our capacity come from struggle.
Let me give you a couple of examples so you can see this at work.
After about four years in my community, I had a person come to me asking me a very tough question. (And I’ve learned that when someone says, “I don’t mean for this to come across as criticism,” that they’re about to offer me a way to grow, now. So my posture toward these kinds of posts is always one of acceptance now, but this was earlier in my development, and I was worried I had done something wrong.)
But in the way they phrased the feedback, they inadvertently affirmed something I had done that I hadn’t realized I was doing. Talking to everyone in their own language. The language they need to hear in order to progress. Their feedback was essentially, “in a place where everyone gets to hear their own language, to have you use this particular piece of language without thinking about it feels… not great.”
It was the most gentle way I could have imagined having someone ask me to stop using a word because of the careless way in which it’s often used. (It’s the word ‘mantra’, by the way, and the request came from someone who is deeply spiritual and who was reflecting to me what it was like to hear that word used in a way that was not central to its meaning.)
Getting a critique is always painful, even if you know the person is right, and while I think our initial response is “justification” or “defense” because those are human, the way the person approached me was so relational, it allowed me a different response. And there’s always the possibility of a different response.
In the struggle to replace the word I was using with a word more precise to what I meant, I realized something about my Communication/Strategic… the ability to seek precision in language, and the ability to talk to someone in their own language is deeply affirming and deeply welcoming. And to have the reverse done feels like a closed door.
I could have responded with justification. That would have been biologically reasonable (even if it would have not had the outcome I wanted… my biology sometimes takes over). But this person mattered a lot to me. So I listened.
And I struggled with replacing a word I’d used often with the word I actually meant… and this is the key. It made me think more consciously about what I was saying and how those words impacted the person listening. And that made me open up access to balconies of my Communication I never would have had access to in the past.
I hesitated whether to even tell this story, because I know some of you will get defensive just listening to it. You have a pain point around people telling you what to do, or your first instinct is to complain about someone policing what you say, and I’m just going to make a request that you pause.
Pause in that feeling and question it. Don’t let it control your defensive action. Just pause. Let’s question the premise. Defensiveness is a biological response. But just sit in the empathy for a second.
Imagine what it feels like to have a word you deeply care about used in a way that invalidates the power of it. (And before you respond in the comments, just pause. Don’t knee-jerk this. Think for a second. Don’t go straight to, “yeah, I hate it when X says ‘blah’ because…”)
Sit. In. The. Effing. Struggle. My friends.
Don’t project yourself onto someone else. Sit in the struggle. Imagine what it feels like to have someone you care about maintaining a relationship do something that invalidates you. Sure, you could just stop listening. You could not care. But what if you wanted to maintain a relationship with them?
Wouldn’t you hope that they would listen to you?
That struggle, in me, produced so many balconies in my Communication. I noticed a huge difference. I was more intentional about what I was saying. I customized my language even more than I already had. And now (probably two years later, I think), I am so much more exponentially developed in that talent.
Because of the struggle.
Hear me: what I am not saying is that you should also do what I did in the 1-to-1 way. I’m not expecting everyone to leave this post and magically start being empathetic in their language. For some of us, that’s a down-the-road development.
What I am saying is… please, for the love of everything holy, stop running away from the struggle.
(And some of you, who are naturally always looking for the struggle and sitting in it, your struggle might be to accept the peace that naturally exists in not struggling. That might be your Silver Bullet.)
I had a question, in my community, about making a development pathway, a basic, “where do I start in your content” question this morning, and I had another struggle.
All of my staff (and some of you reading this) have asked me for similar things before. I’ve always walked away from that struggle because to try making something generalized out of a process that is completely and 100% individualized has always been too much struggle for me.
So I would just tell people to ask me questions.
But the way this person phrased their question, I was able to see it in a new light today. They weren’t asking me for the magic pill. They just wanted a way to weed through the chaos. They wanted a flashlight.
Flashlights, I can do. General instructions, I cannot.
BUT. I realized that what they were asking for was just a little bit of a starting point. Not all the answers. And suddenly, I sat down and wrote out a basic curriculum for our development path that I’ve never been able to do before.
Because I let myself sit in the struggle.
And again, everyone’s “struggle” is different. But I’m just going to say, if you’ve been resisting something because it feels like it’s too big of a struggle, maybe go back and read Claire’s post from earlier. Maybe walk toward the struggle today.
I really wish I could impart that truth to each one of you, deep in your soul, and deep in the security of your psyche. Struggle is ok. Struggle is the silver bullet.
Much love to you all. Have an amazing week.
– Becca
PS. Pause. Breathe. Walk away. Then comment. <3
