We’ve been talking a lot about relationships lately and I had an insight this morning, answering comments, that I wanted to share.
Everyone exists inside relationships a little differently, and when you have some of the Relationship-Building Strengths, you often require either “interest” or “trust” as a barrier to entry. This means my access to me is controlled by whether or not I trust you, or whether or not you show interest in me.
The thing is… words are not the indicator. Actions are the indicator. And when people are surprised not to be let farther inside (or when they see a closed gate to the deeper levels of access), they see it as “mean” or “harsh” rather than normal.
And when there’s a barrier there, it can feel like a judgment, even when it isn’t. Sometimes, the barrier is just, “we’ve served our purpose together,” and sometimes the barrier is, “I have a full set in here, thanks.”
If you’ve ever been surprised by someone’s coldness or someone’s disconnection, it’s so important to know that it’s often not about you at all. It’s often about the person doing the closing, and this is important. **It is best for both of you not to continue.**
When someone disconnects, or someone puts up a barrier to entry, it’s not a good idea for the two of you to continue as you were. There’s something mutually beneficial about Relator or Connectedness or Developer relationships. They need to serve both people. And when they only serve one person, eventually, they will drain both people. You will end up hating me because I can’t be what you want me to be. Or you will end up disappointed in me because I can’t give you what you want. That will be bad for both of us. That’s the Strength at work.
A little pain now to save both of us a ton of pain later. (It won’t feel any better, but you can rest knowing your future self would have been grateful for the salvation from that pain.)
But then, let’s talk about when it **is** about you. And you are surprised by it.
No matter what your words say, your behavior speaks louder. When you say, “I love you,” but you disrespect me or act in a way that hurts me, I’m going to believe the actions. And if they’re consistent enough, I’m going to have to kick you out of the castle in order to keep myself protected.
This is why consistent communication with people you care about is so important. If I’m reading something in your actions that isn’t correct, then I want to align myself to what’s correct, and hopefully help you understand how to act in a way that’s loving for me. How I read love is really important. How I receive love is important.
Not enough of us think about this… not enough people consider other people’s emotions or responses as equally valid in an interaction and even as I write this, I know there will be people mentally (or verbally) arguing with me on this one. But, I’m going to say it anyway.
We won’t always think we’ve done something to breach trust, but unless you have a direct line of communication that you’ve been working on with that person, and a line of trust you’ve already been working on, you may not be entitled to communication about it just because you want it.
We can’t always get what we want.
And that’s a hard pill for many of us to swallow. As much as I might want to have X close relationship, I don’t get to make a choice for someone else just because I want it. And maybe look back at my behavior and ask, “how have I been considering this person in my behavior and my life… how have I been loving them? Is it the way they want or need to be loved? Have I been thinking of myself the whole time? Or have I been thinking of them?”
When we do the Relator castle exercise (where you outline the different circles of trust and who’s in them), most Relators will find that they have some gaps in their inner levels, and almost all Relators will recognize it’s because they either had to kick someone out or keep someone out.
But those decisions are always mutually beneficial. It’s better for you to have the boundary. If you’re not acting in my best interest, it’s better for you to decide whether you want to change that or not. And if you don’t, that’s ok, but you’ll stay on that side of the boundary.
You belong on the other side of the boundary for your sake, as much as for my sake.
We will both find other people to fill the spots internally if we need them. It may take time, but it’s better to only have people inside that castle, or inside my house, or in my heart, that I know I can trust, or who I know display the interest to be there.
Before you comment, if you want a hug from me, please take it, and I’ll sit and hug you as long as you need it. <3 Because relationships are very inefficient and messy, and many of us have big feelings about our relationships. But we don’t talk about it often enough. We need to have space to process these things.
– Becca
