Is it a basement or is it a barrier label?
On each of the Strengths development cards, there’s a section for the “barrier labels” of each Strength. Those are the things people call you or the mean things people say about you, when you have that Strength.
Many of them have the word “too” in front of them.
Too emotional, too controlling, too egotistical, too much of a know-it-all.
If you have a hyper-intact skill chain (which is basically what Strengths are, but this applies to any individual skill as well), people who don’t have it may not recognize it as beneficial. They might say, “too impatient” when what they really mean is “so fast to catalyze.”
They might say, “too emotional,” when what they should say is, “more emotional than I have the skills to understand.”
They may say, “too much of a know-it-all” when what they should say is, “you remind me of a teacher who made me feel stupid once and I’m unaware of that, so I’m going to make you feel guilty about knowing a lot of information because I don’t like being made to feel stupid.”
These kinds of pronouncements are really different from an objective assessment of “I am taking in too much information right now, because it’s not helping my process and it’s getting in the way of my productivity.”
But difference is uncomfortable for most people. (Not all, thankfully, but most.) Most of us don’t have the skills it takes to be really comfortable with people whose personalities are very opposite ours. Instead, we see basements.
In Strengths development, balconies are where the sun shines, and basements are where the proverbial bodies are… so, we all know which one is more beneficial, I hope.
Just because someone else doesn’t understand you or how you’re wired, that doesn’t mean there’s a signal to change your behavior. Just because you have a mentor who’s not much of a thinker doesn’t mean you think too much. It means there’s a mismatch in your expectations and theirs.
Just because you have a partner who’s not emotional, that doesn’t mean you’re too emotional and should stop feeling your feelings. If you have a partner who sees the benefit in emotions, it should mean that your partner learns some skills from you, in addition to you learning some skills from them.
Just because that advice-giver likes lists and goals doesn’t mean your way of executing is wrong.
Friction doesn’t automatically mean basement. Sometimes friction is just mismatch. And sometimes friction makes us better. And sometimes friction feels good. It all depends on the context.
Contextualizing takes time, though, and not everyone wants to take the time. So let’s not worry about other people for a minute. Let’s just worry about you.
Are there some barrier labels in your head you need to argue with today? Are you assuming you’ve got basements galore because you have a critical parent in your head? (Or a critical self?)
I don’t have answers today. Just questions. And you don’t have to answer them to me. Just think on them for yourself.
– Becca
